Got a toothbrush?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize