Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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