I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
