woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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