im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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