Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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