I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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