I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Too much gin, very little bucket
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
