what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
