just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
