Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
