party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
