I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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