Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
