I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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