I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
