So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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