Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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