Sorry, I don't speak sober.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
