peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize