can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
