I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
