i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
sarcasm needs its own font
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
