Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
