as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
