Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
