Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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