sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize