Barsexuality is the new black.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Randomize
