Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
