Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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