i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
COCAINE IS GR8
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
