I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize