Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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