girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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