You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
