saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize