if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
