On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
