I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
