it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
