i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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