But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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