Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
