Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
