I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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