I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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