In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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