I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
