It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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