Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
