We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what day is it and did you see me today?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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