I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You can't just leave with hair like that
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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