Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
