can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
