We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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