I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How external is "for external use only"?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
