Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
