Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
