Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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