Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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