Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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