I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
