Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
